Is It Love or Limerence? A Guide to Healthy Relationships

February brings Valentine’s Day, and with it thoughts of love. But love can be complex, and infatuation can be misperceived as love. Limerence is a type of one-sided relationship that can be damaging. Here’s how to recognize it.

Few things are more exciting and fulfilling than being in love. Whether it’s the beginning stages when everything is a revelation, or the love that develops after decades of shared life, it is one of the most soul-satisfying human experiences.

But there is another form of attachment that doesn’t bring the same benefits as love. Although it can share some of the same emotional characteristics, it’s not the same.

You might not have heard the term “limerence,” but you may have seen it in action, either in yourself or someone close to you.

At Lifespan Psychiatry & Wellness Center, we understand the role that love plays in mental and emotional health. We work with residents of Houston, Texas, to find ways to choose suitable partners and enhance existing relationships.

Today, let’s examine the differences between love and limerence, which can empower you to help yourself or someone you’re close to avoid unhealthy attachments.

Limerence is a one-sided and involuntary obsession

Who among us hasn’t experienced a crush? We all know the feeling of watching the object of our affection across the room or daydreaming about what a potential relationship would be like. These feelings are normal and often go unexpressed.

A crush doesn’t even have to have a foundation of romantic feeling. In fact, you can have a crush on someone you admire for their intelligence or skills.

Limerence is far more intense than a crush. It is an involuntary obsession with another person that you have no control over, called the “limerent object.”

Limerence is characterized by a fixation on the limerent object, as well as feelings of intense attachment.

People who experience limerence are also fixated on whether or not the person they’re fixated on has any reciprocal interest in them. This creates a very one-sided attachment that can mimic some of the feelings of being in love, but lacks the bonding between partners.

How is limerence different from love?

Love can certainly bring about intense feelings. It’s completely normal to find yourself thinking of your loved one when you should be paying attention at work or school. But love is a dance between two people, one in which both partners are actively participating.

Limerence never gets that far. It’s a one-sided obsession that you may not even understand or want. Many people who experience limerence report that the limerent object wasn’t even someone they would normally be drawn to.

It’s an unreciprocated desire in which you can’t stop worrying about whether there is any chance that the object of your desire might feel the same way. This tug between attachment and potential rejection creates significant anxiety.

How to recognize the stages of limerence

Limerence happens in distinct stages. In the early phase of infatuation, you might find yourself experiencing obsessive thoughts about a person and wondering whether they might be interested in you, too. You might bestow positive attributes upon the individual, even if they are not accurate or earned.

In the early stages, any positive interaction with the object of your desire, no matter how trivial, can bring intense pleasurable feelings. But interactions that you perceive to be negative can feel absolutely devastating.

Next is the crystallization phase. This is when your infatuation reaches a peak stage. You might change your routines to feed your obsession and find yourself desperate for any acknowledgement from the limerent object.

The final stage is deterioration, when you begin to accept that a relationship is not going to develop. You might feel angry, sad, or resentful at this point, but the intensity of the attachment has faded.

We can help you move through the stages of limerence

If you’re concerned about an intense and one-sided attachment, working with a mental health specialist is a great way to find clarity and relief.

At Lifespan Psychiatry & Wellness Center, we understand the benefits that love brings to life, and we can help you move beyond an unhealthy attachment and prepare yourself for true and lasting love.

Schedule an appointment with our team through our online booking tool, or give us a call to review available appointment times.